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To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister
(The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until
now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire
will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check
the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated
in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you
will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced
'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix
'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct
pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
"you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will
be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have
chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are
not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional
accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon".
If you
persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
3. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast
English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
incorrectness.
4. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which
is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error
is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball
without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
5. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. You will no longer
be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 20th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will
be called "Indecisive Day".
7. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication
will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. From December 1st the UK will harmonize petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it
until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonize its prices to those of the former USA and the Former
USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
9. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated
to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
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